Learn How to See

     Sometimes God lets us hit a brick wall to make us realize how much we need Him.

     I came home on a high, I had an incredible, unforgettable experience in Ecuador that will be matched by no other. Coming home to a pretty quiet life in New Hampshire was needless to say a bit of a shock.
     First of all, there were little cultural things like say, throwing the toilet paper *into* the toilet instead of the trash can, or drinking water straight out of the tap that were pleasant, but hard to remember. No big, I can deal with that. Or slightly bigger cultural differences, for example, instead of a balmy 78 degrees I could chisel the recently showered hair off my head in the frigid -15 degree weather. Alright, so I miss the warmer weather a bit, but there's no pollution!
     There's also no public transport.
     I never thought I would ever see the day that I would miss those buses belching out the cancerous black smoke into the tropical sunset, but I do. I think more so the walking, the running to catch your next bus, the camaraderie of being around people heading home whether they be mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, lovers, or businessmen is what I miss more. Or maybe I'm over romanticizing the whole thing.
     In reality, the drinking water, weather and city living I can readjust from. The one thing I can't readjust from is, well, me.
     I'm a different person. With different worldviews, cultural influences and terrible itch for travel it makes it extremely hard coming back to the old life I had when I'm a very new me. People have told me, "Nothing's changed" but I beg to differ. EVERYTHING has changed, and I'm not necessarily saying that they're wrong and Keene now has the affiliation with being a beach town, but more so that everything about me has changed. The person I thought I was before I left was introverted, didn't like to leave home much, studied hard and had never done anything that risky. I came back, looked in the mirror and realized that I am a closet extrovert, that I love to travel, am willing to skip class just for the heck of it, and decided it would be a good idea to just throw myself off a bridge.
     Now some of you guys might be thinking, "Well cool, so she's now just irresponsible and says YOLO all the time." NO. I've just discovered who I *am* instead of who I kept telling myself I was.
     Which leads me to the hard part of being home. I think everyone who has studied abroad and had the experience of "Self discovery" or whatever hippy granola thing you want to call it has a hard time coming back and finding a sense of purpose. Which is why this week especially has been so bad. You know how earlier I said sometimes God let's you hit a brick wall to show you that He's the one in control of your life? I think I felt more like that wall was an electric fence. And I was trapped on the inside. With velociraptors. Coming home I made a promise to myself to be as driven and dedicated to having a fulfilling life perusing my dreams like I did while in Quito and when the normalcy took over and my college was just about as disappointing as ever, I got depressed. Again.
     If you're like any normal person, you'll relate with the issue of depression. If you never have had it, I'd like a vial of your blood donated to science because that's a superpower. It was one of those days. You know it. You wake up late, look at the clock and realize you've already wasted the better part of your day so you might as well stay in bed. When the bed sores start to get irritating you slump out of bed and onto the couch, only to make a few phone calls in a fake, overly cheerful voice to sound more awake than you are. Then you proceed to sit for the next 8 hours feeling like you won't ever amount to anything while you watch random cooking shows on YouTube.
     I put a lot of pressure on myself. I looked at my life in Ecuador as me pursuing my dream and once I got home it was over. I had looked at my options as an interpreter and didn't know how there would be any options for me in this area, especially as someone with just her bachelors and a masters program seemed just out of the question because most programs required *six* months of study abroad. Not *four*.
     That seems to be life sometimes right? You try and try and you're *just* short of hitting your dreams. You're at that brick wall (or 10,000 volt electric fence) and there is no way out. You'll just never reach it. it's too far, you can't do it.
     You're right. You can't. But guess what God can do?
     He can make the Keene State College email system not work so you can't see your schedule, making you go to the academic career advising center to have a woman look it up for you and then ask why you're a senior only enrolled in two classes. You explain Keene's screw up a few years back and she INSISTS on meeting one of the advisors there to talk about an internship. You meet with said advisor two days later and all of the sudden you have options blown wide open.
     "Need more study abroad? Go do a volunteer program in a Spanish speaking country over the summer. Talk to people in the UMass Amherst translation department about their program options and see what they say. Here's a list of resources in Mass that you might be able to get your foot in the door with. I'll see you in two weeks."
     I don't know what my future career holds. I might get out of college and say "Spanish is dumb. I want to work at a restaurant." But that awful trapped feeling is gone. Time and time again, when I'm frustrated with God and point fingers and say that it's all His fault and He should have guided me to what I should be doing, He always responds with gentle undeserved grace that I always underestimate. I said at the beginning that this blog was about my struggles in life. Trust, anxiety, depression. Over and over I'm seeing that I think my bigger problem is that I need to learn how to see.

   Live life on the mountaintops!
<3MS

One month left...

     So as you folks can probably tell by the title, I've got just about a month left before I get on that terrifying economic class flight back to the states. And I decided that the best way to process this change (Which I don't do well with by the way) is to make a couple lists...So here they are.

What I will miss about Ecuador:
1. The people. The people I've met (AKA Andrea, Kacey, Anna, Gustave, and Robert) have impacted me in a way that I don't think they'll ever realize. Thanks guys, you're the bomb. Also, the people I haven't met, the people in the streets that are willing to help me find Quicentro for the first time, the man that saw I was struggling to get my balance in an Ecovia and gave me his seat, I'll miss that for sure.

2. The cheapness of food and public transport. Need to travel an hour to the airport? $2. Want a meal of soup, juice and a plate of whatever´s on the menu for the day? $2. Want 20 mandarinas? $2. It's going to be quite the sticker shock going back home, that's for sure.

3. Getting to speak Spanish all. The. Time. Seriously going to miss that, it's my biggest dream to become fluent in Spanish (Other than being a famous musician, but let's be real) and having the opportunity to have full out conversations outside of class is so fulfilling.

4. Being in South America. It's like America...But south. And it's freaking sweet. I guess that includes the outrageous wildlife, unique cities, and mountains that you can't even imagine the scale of. However, I have to say I'm pretty partial to the diversity of Ecuador. You can be in the mountains, in the city, in the jungle, and on the beach all in the same day.

5. The school. KSC is not my favorite school. Also, USFQ has the most beautiful campus I've ever seen, although it doesn't make much sense.

6. Being so active and fit without even trying. This is the life I've always wanted to live: Eat oreos every day, lose weight. I'm one of those people that I used to hate in high school that could eat whatever she wanted without getting fat.

7. Learning what it´s like being the minority

8. MACHU PICCHU. No that's not Ecuador, but it was awesome.

What I WON'T miss...
1. Not being with my superhero husband, my best (slightly mad scientist) friend, and the awesome sidekicks called my family.

2. I have to say, food and transport is cheap, but if you have a technical issue, or need to rent an apartment...Good luck. Also, a small deodorant is like $6. Crazy!

3. Using and learning a whole bunch of words used in daily conversation that I won't be able to use with anyone outside of Ecuador. Quichua is awesome, but doesn't have a wide range. So goodbye to Chumada, Chuchachi, Aychichi, Ayiyi, Guagua, Naña and so many more.

4.Getting almost run over every day. Although it keeps you fit and your life exciting, so this could be a pro as well.

5. The campus at USFQ makes NO SENSE. If you go there, you know. If you don't, just imagine several rooms that are supposed to be in the same building, in different buildings. And 3 buildings in one. I still don't know my way around. 

6. TRIPE AND BLOOD SOUP. Why is this a thing?

7. Learning what it's like being the minority. The staring is hard to get used to.

8.The men. While I don't want to generalize by any means, I am so sick and tired of being whistled at, kissed at, called all sorts of things (Doll, child, baby, love) by random creepy men on the street.

I have so much more I could say about this country, so maybe I'll write a book someday. I'm not who I was, and I think that's a good thing. Thanks Ecuador (and Peru), it's been an experience of a lifetime.

Long time no chat...

So a lot has happened since I've last written on here, I guess I'll give you a quick recap:
Dying, hospital, hospital, dying, midterms, Rio Verde, and more midterms.

Now I'll give you a not so quick recap.

     So the hospitals here...They aren't as scary as I thought, but it's definitely not an experience I'd like to repeat super soon. I went to the Hospital Metropoliano two weeks ago today with an extremely high fever (104!) and a lung infection after calling my dear friend Andrea in a complete delirium wondering what to do. She was great by the way, totally did everything she could to help me, even though when the woman was slicing my veins apart trying to get an IV in she kind of disappeared for a little bit... Anyway, I had a whole bunch of stuff done, all while trying to process the medical terminology in Spanish while my brain was absolutely cooking, and managed to get home with less of a fever. Fast forward a few days and my lung infection turned into bronchitis, so I ended up going to the hospital right next door to me (Cruz Blanca) to get a stronger antibiotic and some lung treatments.

     That was Tuesday, Thursday I had a midterm (which I'm pretty sure I failed), but I decided to go as I was getting a bit stir crazy and was actually missing seeing people...I know, quite the social butterfly now right? Then Friday I left for Rio Verde to visit my dear friends Kevin, Kathy, and Kimberly Bruce for the weekend.

     That was so needed, being up in the mountains, away from the city in a beautiful part of the Oriente did great things for my lungs and my spirits while I was there. We celebrated Kathy's sister and nephew's birthdays by making ice cream, roasting a rabbit and a chicken, and wrapping presents, then Sunday they held church at their house with the Awá tribe they have been working with the past several years. Although I only caught maybe a handful of words (the service was in Awá), it was wonderful being with a group of Christians that hiked upwards of three hours to be in church that morning.
 
     I really hated saying goodbye that weekend, it felt like a safe and secure family that I hadn't had yet at that point, because my host dad was on a business trip, and I still hadn't met my host mom and sister. There had been a bit of drama with poor communication going on with the school, and I wasn't ready to deal with those issues yet. However I did come back home, and just two days later I had an entire family to come home to, eat meals with, and my daily stories with. It's been great so far, and although I tend to be a recluse of a person, I've really enjoyed having people to spend time with after getting home from school.

     So, that's about what's been happening while I've been MIA on here, I feel like my thoughts aren't very well organized in this post, and that some of it doesn't make any sense as my English skills have declined significantly, but hopefully y'all get the point.

Hasta la pasta!
MS

     So week two is over and done with. Why was today so hard?

You know, I would have thought that I was going to have my major freak outs the first week I was here, but here I am, Sunday afternoon sitting in my room and feeling completely and utterly alone. I knew this would come, but I just find it interesting it's now. Maybe now that I've had time to adjust and some of the shock and feeling of fight or flight has gone it's really sinking in that I'm going to be here a while.

Horrible right? In a tropical paradise for 4 months? It can't get any worse...

Honestly though, it may be beautiful, thrilling and a great adventure, but it doesn't mean it comes without some downfalls. As good old Sam said:

The brave things in the old tales and songs Mr. Frodo; adventures, as I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull, a kind of sport, as you might say. But that's not the way of it with the tales that really mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have been just landed in them, usually-their paths were laid that way, as you put it. But I expect they had lots of chances, like us, of turning back only they didn't. And if they had, we shouldn't know, because they'd have been forgotten.

Alright my nerd is showing, but seriously, Samwise here has got a good point. Adventures are never what you expect them to be, nor are they fun all of the time. Most of the time you don't even ask to be in them, and although they are fulfilling and strengthening as well as exciting, they aren't always fun. I guess if it were like going to the movies with your pals everyday or like summer vacation, everyone would do it and it wouldn't be such an adventure.

This isn't to say I haven't had enjoyable experiences so far, actually I've started to learn to find joy in the little things in life here. Like when you hand the guy at the bus station a dollar, and he gives you a 50 cent coin and 2 quarters instead of a quarter and a handful of dimes, nickels and pennies. Or when you go to get on the bus back home and you find that it's one of the ones with the yellow handles and proper covers over the engines so you don't burn your feet on the floor. Or when the guard meets you in the elevator, patiently explains that the power has gone out, and hands you a few oranges that he just bought down the road.

So, all that to say the last thing in the world I want to do is demonize this country and make it sound like the worst possible place on the planet. It's quite the contrary. Not only have I met extremely nice Ecuadorians, but I have also met dozens of sweet Americans as well, which is giving me hope for my own country and our generation.

Honestly I can't say I know where I'm going with this post, most of the time I don't have a plan, but I usually stick to a particular topic. Here I think I just feel the need to organize my thoughts, and really analyze the person I am and why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. It's funny how leaving your country gets you to do that, because when I was in the states, I was completely sure of who I was culturally and socially. But coming here, I realized just what a huge part of my life that was, and with that gone, I've needed to do some reevaluating.

Which is where this dude comes in.

This song could not be more appropriate for me right now. If I were to hold up a sign right now it would say "Lost", but this has been such a wonderful reminder that not only does God know where I am, but He put me here for a purpose greater than myself.

I am found.

I am beloved.

I am His.

Love you guys,
MS<3

So I'm in a jungle...A concrete one anyway...

Sup guys? Long time no blog. I have my reasons, for example being, well..Here:

                                         (credit to mountinsoftravelphotos.com)
Crazy right? Yeah, I think so too. But at times more that I'm crazy for doing this, being here. I was always the girl that was afraid to take any risks. I didn't go on any crazy roller coasters until I was in high school, never did any crazy dares, never skydived, para-sailed, bungee jumped, or cliff dived. I've always been held back by excuses, (I'm terrified of heights) when it came to doing crazy things physically, and the same (I have social anxiety) when it came to doing anything socially.

Yeah, that kind of had to change. Quick.

I think it was in the airport in CT that I made the decision to clench my teeth and not look back, because honestly, I didn't have a choice. I said goodbye to my husband, found a secluded seat and allowed myself 5 minutes of hysterics. Then I got up, and walked on that plane without a backward glance.

Now I'm not going to say I didn't panic at that point. I don't particularly like any mode of transport as I tend to get sick on all of it, and this was the first time I had ever taken a plane on my own, so I had a few moments of "Why in the heck am I on this plane right now?" Then when I astonishingly saw that the airport didn't accommodate my fear of people my panic rose slightly. "I have to sit *next* to someone? That I don't *know*?"  Yeah, you guys are probably thinking, "This girl is in south america right now?" I'm kind of thinking that too.

Needless to say, the woman with purple hair off to Jamaica didn't bite me, and I made it to Miami safe and sound. At this point, I felt like things were more set in stone. Like, I panicked at the airport in Hartford because it's really not that far away from my house, so there was the idea that I could turn back, but once I made it to the southernmost part of the US, my anxiety melted away and was replaced by the new idea that I was now, only and completely,  responsible for me.

I kept that attitude as I flew into the airport in Quito, went through customs, and met the young man that was to take me to my new home. At this point, I had been up for over 24 hours, and my Spanish was absolute garbage, but I was able to understand enough to find out that this guy wasn't actually my host dad, but his cousin.

Ok. Cool. So I have 2 choices, walk in the dark along the Pan American highway or trust that this guy is who he says he is and get in the car.

I got in the car, and he turned out to be an extremely pleasant young man, which is something I'm seeing of most of the people in general around here.

So, long story short, that's how I ended up in this crazy concrete jungle. I'm here in a very lovely little apartment, about a half a mile away from the bus that takes me to school every week day, and have to say that I am so incredibly thankful that God watches His children every moment of everyday. Because I'm pretty sure if He forgot me, even for a day, I'd get hit by a bus here.

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life, but also one of the most rewarding. I have never felt more afraid and empowered, independent and reliant as I have felt these past 7 days. I have seen that sometimes God puts you into situations that strips everything you hold most dear from you, so you can truly see who you really are as an individual and through the eyes of Christ. I have seen the difficulty of my dream job, (Medical interpretation) and have had my doubts, and then had those dreams strengthened. Everything I know, smell, eat, hear and feel is completely and totally different, which leaves me with the realization that I am very small, but could perhaps one day become someone great. Everything is intensified, and I absolutely love it.

<3MS

A Faraway Journey

     Five years ago, a girl naively got onto a economy class flight to Miami. Then she spent 7 hours on a layover and got on another flight to the real adventure. (You didn't think she'd stay in Miami did you?) Quito, Ecuador soared into view a few hours later and unbeknownst to her, it would be a country that set the course for her life. She spent 10 days travelling hours by bus on unlit highways, encountering bugs she'd rather forget, and people she would always remember. The passion and colors of several cultures swirled around her and captivated her soul, but the one thing that stood out among everything else was the language.

     Weird right? If you couldn't guess, that girl was me on a missions trip to Ecuador at 16 years old with only half a semester of Spanish. I know for most, the place itself is the main reason for travelling, but for me, that one moment of comprehension, the light of understanding in another person's eyes when you have said something to them in their own tongue is equally thrilling. That trip didn't give me a starry eyed view of the jungle and send me home aching for another experience somewhere different, but gave me a deep seated passion for the Spanish language.

     So fast forward five years and seven language classes later, here I am. Two months out from getting on another (economy class) flight to the same place that stirred up my passion. I must admit the circumstances of this trip are highly different, and there is much less nativity on this journey which brings a lot less courage as well. This trip will consist of  four months studying a language that I still feel completely inept at, living with a family I know nothing about, and on top of it all I don't exactly blend in. There are so many unknowns, so many sleepless nights and panic attacks because I just don't think I'm cut out for it.

     Ahh, but there is another whole side of the story. The whole process of getting everything together for this journey has been incredibly stressful, but gives me no doubt that this is what I should be doing, no matter how difficult. My passport took 8 weeks to get and my visa didn't come together until the last possible moment which was positively what I needed to see if this is really what I was meant to do. If I mention this process of getting to where I am today without saying that it was undoubtedly God that orchestrated every step of the way I am blatantly ignoring the hand of God in my life.

     Another thing that has been such a reminder to me that I am not only meant to do this, but that I *can* do this is a word taken from the language that I love so much. I ran across it in my last Spanish course and immediately remembered it, because it is a concept I have such a hard time with. The word is "Alcanzar" and it means literally "To be enough". It caught my attention so severely because I had never heard a word that so captured the concept that takes several words in English to get across. It can also mean "To achieve" or "To reach" as in reaching a goal. This one word so greatly signified what I needed to hear, I can achieve this, I am enough, I can reach this goal that I have set because God knows what I can handle, even though I don't.

     The thought of leaving my home, husband, family, friends, and overall comforts of the familiar here in the states still terrifies me, but knowing that I cannot leave my relationship with Jesus behind is a great comfort. I know that I cannot plan for the unknowns ahead, but I will just leave with this quote.

Anxiety has always been such a vice for me, has always had such a grip on my life, I don't want it to have a hold on me anymore and I think this will be just the thing that will set me free.

Love always,
MS

Long time no write.

So, it's been a while, and I have a day where I am forced to do nothing, so I decided I would stop neglecting this blog and tell you a bit about my weekend.

Saturday was my niece Hannah's 1st birthday party, which was a blast...While I was there. I ended up going to the ER in Bristol, CT to get my head checked for a killer chronic headache I had since Wednesday.

You know, it's interesting how when things go very differently from what I expect I tend to get this very weird out of body experience. I remember thinking that something could really truly be very wrong, and that feeling of dread and fear filling my stomach was an indicator that I had no control over the situation. However, it felt very distant and unreal for a while. It wasn't until I was in a bed waiting to meet with the doctor for a CAT scan did I realize that this really was happening to me, and there was nothing I could do.

Now, I'm going to get all allegorical on you for a moment. But really, isn't that how life is most of the time? We kind of trudge through life, not thinking that something could ever go wrong, and when it does, we tend to refuse to believe that something drastic or sudden could ever happen to us.

Or, that's how I am anyway.

You know, I truly believe that God puts situations in our lives for a reason. I think a recurring theme of this blog has been about my struggle to trust God, and this was just another step in my journey of learning how to do just that. I remember praying in that hospital room, over and over again for nothing to be wrong with me, but I don't think that was the point. Finally I got the courage to say that even if something were to be really wrong, (brain bleed, tumor, ect) that God would give me the strength to get through it. And at that moment, "Peace that surpasses all understanding" (Phil. 4:7) flooded through me. (And yes, this was before the percocet.)

Now, after we had gotten the results of the scan, saying that everything in my brain was normal, of course there was relief. However, I am slowly being taught the lessons that not everything goes your way in life. Regardless, God is still good, and God is still sovereign.

Love always,
MS<3

P.S. My husband is the most amazing man ever. I never thought I could laugh so hard in the ER of a hospital.