A Faraway Journey

     Five years ago, a girl naively got onto a economy class flight to Miami. Then she spent 7 hours on a layover and got on another flight to the real adventure. (You didn't think she'd stay in Miami did you?) Quito, Ecuador soared into view a few hours later and unbeknownst to her, it would be a country that set the course for her life. She spent 10 days travelling hours by bus on unlit highways, encountering bugs she'd rather forget, and people she would always remember. The passion and colors of several cultures swirled around her and captivated her soul, but the one thing that stood out among everything else was the language.

     Weird right? If you couldn't guess, that girl was me on a missions trip to Ecuador at 16 years old with only half a semester of Spanish. I know for most, the place itself is the main reason for travelling, but for me, that one moment of comprehension, the light of understanding in another person's eyes when you have said something to them in their own tongue is equally thrilling. That trip didn't give me a starry eyed view of the jungle and send me home aching for another experience somewhere different, but gave me a deep seated passion for the Spanish language.

     So fast forward five years and seven language classes later, here I am. Two months out from getting on another (economy class) flight to the same place that stirred up my passion. I must admit the circumstances of this trip are highly different, and there is much less nativity on this journey which brings a lot less courage as well. This trip will consist of  four months studying a language that I still feel completely inept at, living with a family I know nothing about, and on top of it all I don't exactly blend in. There are so many unknowns, so many sleepless nights and panic attacks because I just don't think I'm cut out for it.

     Ahh, but there is another whole side of the story. The whole process of getting everything together for this journey has been incredibly stressful, but gives me no doubt that this is what I should be doing, no matter how difficult. My passport took 8 weeks to get and my visa didn't come together until the last possible moment which was positively what I needed to see if this is really what I was meant to do. If I mention this process of getting to where I am today without saying that it was undoubtedly God that orchestrated every step of the way I am blatantly ignoring the hand of God in my life.

     Another thing that has been such a reminder to me that I am not only meant to do this, but that I *can* do this is a word taken from the language that I love so much. I ran across it in my last Spanish course and immediately remembered it, because it is a concept I have such a hard time with. The word is "Alcanzar" and it means literally "To be enough". It caught my attention so severely because I had never heard a word that so captured the concept that takes several words in English to get across. It can also mean "To achieve" or "To reach" as in reaching a goal. This one word so greatly signified what I needed to hear, I can achieve this, I am enough, I can reach this goal that I have set because God knows what I can handle, even though I don't.

     The thought of leaving my home, husband, family, friends, and overall comforts of the familiar here in the states still terrifies me, but knowing that I cannot leave my relationship with Jesus behind is a great comfort. I know that I cannot plan for the unknowns ahead, but I will just leave with this quote.

Anxiety has always been such a vice for me, has always had such a grip on my life, I don't want it to have a hold on me anymore and I think this will be just the thing that will set me free.

Love always,
MS

Long time no write.

So, it's been a while, and I have a day where I am forced to do nothing, so I decided I would stop neglecting this blog and tell you a bit about my weekend.

Saturday was my niece Hannah's 1st birthday party, which was a blast...While I was there. I ended up going to the ER in Bristol, CT to get my head checked for a killer chronic headache I had since Wednesday.

You know, it's interesting how when things go very differently from what I expect I tend to get this very weird out of body experience. I remember thinking that something could really truly be very wrong, and that feeling of dread and fear filling my stomach was an indicator that I had no control over the situation. However, it felt very distant and unreal for a while. It wasn't until I was in a bed waiting to meet with the doctor for a CAT scan did I realize that this really was happening to me, and there was nothing I could do.

Now, I'm going to get all allegorical on you for a moment. But really, isn't that how life is most of the time? We kind of trudge through life, not thinking that something could ever go wrong, and when it does, we tend to refuse to believe that something drastic or sudden could ever happen to us.

Or, that's how I am anyway.

You know, I truly believe that God puts situations in our lives for a reason. I think a recurring theme of this blog has been about my struggle to trust God, and this was just another step in my journey of learning how to do just that. I remember praying in that hospital room, over and over again for nothing to be wrong with me, but I don't think that was the point. Finally I got the courage to say that even if something were to be really wrong, (brain bleed, tumor, ect) that God would give me the strength to get through it. And at that moment, "Peace that surpasses all understanding" (Phil. 4:7) flooded through me. (And yes, this was before the percocet.)

Now, after we had gotten the results of the scan, saying that everything in my brain was normal, of course there was relief. However, I am slowly being taught the lessons that not everything goes your way in life. Regardless, God is still good, and God is still sovereign.

Love always,
MS<3

P.S. My husband is the most amazing man ever. I never thought I could laugh so hard in the ER of a hospital.

We can't trust our feelings...Right?

     Alright, so first of all, I gave up this time trying to make a cheezy title having to do with a trail. Honestly, there are just some things that need to be said outright. Secondly, it's been a while, and I for those of you who are frantically checking my blog for updates every other minute because you just hang on every word I say...I'm sorry. Wait- was that no one? Sweet.

     So, let's cut to the chase. I'm overwhelmed. Like, kind of to the max. I get up with Cal, he leaves for work, I then do what I need to before school, come home from school, try to clean the house and make dinner, and at that point I don't even want to think about homework. This doesn't even begin to tell of social life, church activities, and family parties. My point here is not to tell everyone how hard and awful my life is compared to yours, it's not. It's wonderful, but it is insanely busy right now, and I have yet to find a balance within all the things that I want and have to do.

     It's discouraging sometimes, because I am still in school, I feel like more of a burden than a help within my own household. Draining money from the account with expenses instead of filling it, being too exhausted to clean, cook, and do things a wife seems expected to do in a christian community. This is by no means put on me by my husband, but myself. It's funny though, if were to look at my life as what I thought would be perfect, I would be a successful translator, great cook, and striking conversationalist. Or perhaps I would have a houseful of kids, all well behaved and well educated, along with a spotless house and cookies cooling on a rack.

     Back to reality kid. You're nineteen, newly married, a sophomore in college, and consider peanut butter and fluff a decent lunch. But you know, I guess that's okay. If I were perfect, I'm not sure anyone could stand to be around me, let alone, be my husband. So I'll consider my life perfectly imperfect and try to be content with the craziness life seems to be throwing at me lately. Because, hey, were never in this alone.

A Looong Road Ahead

     I've been thinking...(Uh-Oh!)...Or maybe worrying, (Bigger Uh-Oh!) about the change going back to school full time has brought into my life once again. It's a change that happens every year after summer, and it keeps coming back like an annoying cold. Every year I expect it will be harder, I will learn more, blah blah blah, but it seems like I can never seem to wrap my head around it enough to calm myself from thinking that I can't do it. What am I, in 14th grade now? And I still hyperventilate at the thought of doing poorly in a class. Today, for instance, I walked into my Spanish 202 class about fifteen minutes early, and was about to puke by the time the teacher walked in. No, I didn't go grab a breakfast burrito at McDonald's, I was just scared out of my mind. First of all, the teacher. What if I got another first semester doozy that hated her life and everyone in it? Even if that proved to be falsified, what if everyone around me knew more than I did? What if I had forgotten too much over the summer? What if, what if, what if?

     You can imagine my relief when a girl from my previous class walked in and sat across from me. We both were on the same page, came from the same academic background, and she's a sweetheart on top of it. Next, the teacher walked in, handed out a *ton* of helpful cheat sheets, and the syllabus telling us the first week or two would be review. Not to mention the fact that she's a humorous, down to earth woman from Jersey (That explained a lot!). Finally, when it came time to do a little intro about ourselves in Spanish, I was pleasantly surprised at the variation of fluency in the classroom. And to know that I wasn't at the bottom!

     Now, this post totally has a point, but I just wanted to lay out the contrasting scenarios of what I *thought* or *feared* would happened, compared to what was actually *reality*. Mark Twain has a very appropriate quote concerning this subject:

"I am an old man and have known many great troubles, but most of them never happened."

     Isn't that so true? All the things I was afraid of this morning were things that never even happened. They were a result of my desire to do the best I could in what I am passionate about, which in itself is not a bad thing, but when turned to idolatry it can be devastatingly destructive.

     The thing about idols is that they're hard to catch. There can never be too much of a good thing, can there? Well, drinking too much water can kill you, too much vitamin B6 can cause nerve damage, too much focus on your goals can blur your priorities. I'm not saying it's bad to care about something you love, or want to be good at, but when those things take precedence over our lives and cause us to cease giving priority to God, then those things become an idol.

     My idolatry often manifests itself by putting the opinions of others on a higher pedestal than the opinion of God. I want to prove to others, as well as to myself, that I can hold my own in a conversation in another language, and that I really am good at what I want to do. I want to be successful in my classes, especially ones pertaining to my major, so that I can have a good career and prove myself to the world.

     Prove what though? What is more important in this life than learning to live as Christ did, and leading others to him? A career is something I want and aspire to have, but if I lose perspective on what is *really* important, my academic achievements are nothing but a pile of dirty rags compared to the life I could have when trusting the path my Savior has set for me.

<3MS

Beyond the trail

     I've been thinking lately, (and as we know, this blog is the result of thinking!) that so many of the things I have aspired to do in my life are already finished. I'm 19 years old, am married to a wonderful man, am going to school to get my degree in Spanish/Communication, I'm leading my own worship team, have my own little apartment, and overall have the life that I've always wanted. Now, don't get me wrong, I *love* where I am in life, and am so thankful and blessed with all of the things I have in my life. But these things that I have been dreaming of for quite sometime are fulfilled, and I'm now placed on a more uncertain path in life. Not unhappy, just uncertain. I don't know what my future holds, I never have, but now I'm not even sure of what I *want* my future to hold. I guess that's not a bad thing because I won't have expectations of things that may never happen.

     Uncertainty leads to a lot of fear and anxiety for me personally, and I know that I mentioned this verse in my last post, but it's my favorite so it's bound to come up a lot. :)

"For I know the plans I have for you, 'Declares the LORD', plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11

     I don't know what my future holds, I don't even know what I want it to hold at the moment, all I know is that when life seems uncertain, I don't need to worry that my life will spin out of control. It's such a hard thing for me to believe at times, but when the grace of God permeates my soul, I can believe it, and in that I am comforted.

<3 MS

A bump in the road

     So this morning I've been thinking a lot about school, which makes sense because it starts in less than three weeks. I often feel like anxiety and nervousness can take over my thinking because of how people will perceive me, what my teachers will be like, or what people will make of my faith. This negative feeling often manifests itself in feeling inadequate as a person, and results in my looking to material things to feel confident in myself. Almost as if I had those new pair of jeans, or cute red pumps, I could somehow raise a barrier of confidence and self worth about myself in order to prevent others from seeing my vulnerability.

     I guess this isn't news to anyone who has ever interacted with people outside of their homes. The fear of man, or what people think, is such a strong force in our lives that it can tend to control every aspect if we let it. Like my example of having a certain sense of style, sometimes when I get to class I feel inferior because of the things others have. Then, when I have confidence in how I look at home, I get to class and feel too dressed up! This is a rather shallow example, and I don't always have such a complex with how I look, but it goes to show that my insecurities can manifest themselves in the smallest most detailed aspects of my life.

     Here's where some may think I get preachy, but I can not express how thankful I am that there is so much encouragement and peace found in Scripture regarding this subject. Here are some of my favorite verses when I'm feeling insecure or like my self worth is down the drain:

"In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Psalm 56:11

"For I know the plans I have for you, 'Declares the LORD,' plans of welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope"
Jeremiah 29:11

     I love the first verse because of the simple truth of it. Trust God, and don't worry about anyone else. Now, although this truth is simple to understand, it's not easy to follow. Trusting in the Lord and leaving the opinions of others behind is directly against our natural instinct to please others. However, once this becomes more real, more of my everyday breathing in life, facing the world becomes that much easier.

     Speaking of facing the world, I find that rather difficult to do at times as well. Sometimes I just want to throw the blankets over my head, and not come out until who knows when. But because of that hope, and that future that God promises, I can get up everyday and look forward to the life that I know God has carefully prepared for me. It's amazing, that He has a life tailored to me that will bring growth and fulfillment into my life, and ultimately will bring glory to Him.

     Life would be so easy if it wasn't for all of the people, but unfortunately, there are people *everywhere* you go. The thing I'm slowly learning is, although people have opinions and views that I may never match up to, I am always seen as beautiful and worthy in the eyes of my Savior.

<3MS

Trailing on...

     I suppose the best way to start out this blog is to explain why I chose the title, "A Trail of Thoughts". Have you ever read a sentence in a novel where one of the characters, (usually the talkative or over analytic one) was shooting off thought after thought and the author gets tired of thinking up things to say, and just ends it with, "She trailed off into thought" or "Her thoughts trailed on and on"? Well, that's what I want to explore. I want to talk about those thoughts, the ones the author never mentioned, and trail on and on with thoughts that are provoking, inspiring, and disturbing. Almost like travelling the world from your couch or computer desk.

     My views and beliefs may be like none you've ever heard, sometimes lovely and easy to read; and sometimes offensive and seemingly abrasive, but that is the danger of travel my friend. Travel is filled with things that are lovely, majestic, and gratifying. However, it is also muddled with fear, doubt, and danger. The things I wish to share with you will be lovely, the love of a husband and wife, the unconditional acceptance of Jesus Christ. However, sometimes things will be difficult to read. How do you deal with anxiety, depression, loss, or fear of fellow man? How do we grasp the concept of a God that is loving, but in the same instance, wrathful? These are a few of the things I feel led to share with you, and hopefully allow you to begin your own journey of exploring your thoughts.

<3MS